Thursday, November 26, 2009

Black Friday at Wal-Mart

Happy Thanksgiving to Y'all! I'm busy with family, festivities, food, fun, and flippin'-thing-to-do-after-flippin'-thing-to-do. I'm sure you are as well. So, today at the Wonderland, we are servin' up a healthy portion of laughs smothered with a frothy topping of whipped, light heartedness. For today only, this is a "No intellectualizing" space.

I am hosting a Guest Post written by my sister, BichyMama. This is an exclusive, Wonderland premier of BichyMama's work. As far as I know, she's never posted, publicly, any of her thoughts and unique perspectives of life. Heck, I can barely get her to answer my e-mails.

If you think she's going to come across anything like me, you are wrong, horribly wrong, and totally and completely devoid of any concept of my baby sis. Today I am thankful, not only for my family, friends and all of you but, for my sister. She is the peanut butter in my chocolate, the dark in my light, the Yin in my Yang. Enjoy!

The following is BichyMama's response to my e-mail asking if she has to work on Thanksgiving:


I do have Thanksgiving off. Although, I have to work the next day, Black Friday, from 3:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. It's kind of scary if you think of all those loony shoppers that make this day a free-for-all, family outing.


I can see it now. Mother and daughter, alike, with the same generation-after-generation body type and weight problems. Big (HUGE), SAGGY, NO-BRA-BEARING-BOOBS--flopping and slamming--to and fro--like four, over filled water balloons (but without any elasticity at all) under their new, over sized, Christmas T-Shirts that they got each other for Thanksgiving.

Mom and daughter both know they will keep warm while waiting out in the cold for the store to open. Their two-or-more-sizes-too-small sweat pants will be hugging them both very tightly in all the right places. Just like a bug in a rug! What they don’t realize is their warm, hugging sweat pants will be showing off all of their beautiful Butt-Dimples, Camel-Toes and a crotch that looks like a Woolly Mammoth-Pu**y Monster.

Mom and daughter's shoes are either bootie-type slippers or open-sandal-type-Birkenstock's. They wear the kind of shoes that are easily slipped on, with no bending over, because they get too dizzy while trying to tie their shoe laces. This must be due to Gut-Roll Constriction, GRC--otherwise known as LOO, Lack of Oxygen.

Oh, it's a sight! Watching mother and daughter running...well, fast walking...well, it's more like an animated, slow motion walk...with arms pumping up and down and back and forth. Their mouths are open and gasping for air. Their faces are a bright, cherry red. Their chests heave in and out like marathon runner's after a long distance race.

As they swish by, I hear mom complain to her daughter (still breathing hard and gasping between words), "That BITCH! I can't believe that old bitch beat me to the last electric scooter."

"But mom, cries the daughter, grandma is 90 years old and only has one leg!"

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! That odor! That odor which took my breath away, made me cough and caused a couple of dry heaves. What was it?

Oh s**t! It's a combination of Woolly Mammoth-Pu**y Monster, smelly, sandal feet, sweaty B.O. and, y-u-c-k, BED HEAD!! Plus a few other smells I don’t even care to figure out.

In the beginning, I thought it would be scary working Black Friday, but now, I am really EXCITED and can't wait! So here I am Wishing all of you…

"Happy Thanksgiving
Welcome To Wal-Mart
And Have A GOOD Day"

Disclaimer: Similarities put forth in this article to any animal, vegetable, mineral or entity on this planet or any other, in this or any other galaxy, or in any universe, known or unknown, is simply a mathematical statistic.--Blog Administrator


tony said...

Welcome To Blogsville BichyMama !

Leah said...

BichyMama, you have captured vividly a certain essence of the experience!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of those in Wonderland!


Mrsupole said...

Haha, BichyMama got bitchy. That was hilarious. BichyMama was a great guest blogger and maybe sometime will get her own post.

Happy Thanksgiving Day to you and to all of your family. Hope you have a day of feasting and wonderful company.

God bless.

otin said...

LMAO!!!! That about sums up my usual experience at Wal Mart!

Happy Thanksgiving, Ronda!!!

Brian Miller said...

ha. love it! more, more! no way i am going anywhere near walmart tomorrow. happy thanksgiving ronda!

Evening Light Writer said...

Dear Bichy Mama, first off welcome! Your blog posting was refreshing and honest. You described quite a few of my patrons. So stinky, and nothing says funk like an odor at 9:00 in the morning that makes you want to turn on your own nostrils.

Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy the quiet before the storm.

Ronda Laveen said...

Tony: Thanks for being the first to welcome BichyMama to blogville on her debut.

Leah: I completely agree with you. She captured the moment quite well. Best wishes to you and your family on this day!

Sherry: BMama does bitchy with great panache. I keep encouraging her to start her own blog so thank you for encouraging her. Maybe soon. And you have a lovely day of festivities with your family too!

Otin: I usually have that experience too. I try to avoid the place but once every once in a while I have to take the plunge. Happy Thanksgiving too you too!

Brian: I am trying to get her to us more, more. Maybe with this she's starting to test the waters. I'm not going anywhere near WM tomorrow either. Probably not even the entire weekend. Happy Thanksgiving to you, T and the boyZ!

Mindy: You are so kind with your welcome to BMama. I'm going to make sure she comes here and reads the comments. Maybe I can even get her to set up an acct so she can comment back. She has a super-sniffer. Sounds like you do to. Happy First Thanksgiving in you new apartment.

TechnoBabe said...

Ronda, Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful. Thanks for taking time to leave me a comment. I know you were busy today. Hugs.

Candie Bracci said...

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving and wish you a great day today too!I start to understand what Black Friday is now,couple of blogs mentionning it.Courage,lol.Also,enjoy your weekend!:)

Ronda Laveen said...

TechnoBabe: You are very welcome! Hope you had a great day.

Candie: Black Friday is the biggest shopping day in the US. Don't know if you have an equivalent in France. All the retailers give special deals (mainly to the early bird shoppers) and the stores open at 5 am. Business owners hope to put their business into the "black" or profit for the year. Enjoy your weekend too.

Tom said...

going to Walmart is like going to an alternate universe.

Ronda Laveen said...

Tom: Ha!...and not a pleasant one either.

JGH said...

Bichymama is right on! Too funny. I'm steering clear of the walmart scene. Hope you're enjoying the weekend :-)

Christina said...

Hehe, waaaayy ahead of you here in Canada!

But still: happy "very, very belated" Thanksgiving.

lettuce said...

now there is something cross-cultural about this post....

Dorraine said...

Ba..ha, ha!! And this is why I always avoid Black Friday. I'll happily pay the extra. Welcome Ronda's little sis to the blog world.

Ronda and family; I hope your Thanksgiving was blessed.

Ronda Laveen said...

JGH: I'm steering clear of WM too! I am waiting to hear from her on how it went. I'm sure it was a real slice of life.

Christina: I thought you would like this. Happy TG to you too!

Lettuce: In England too, eh?

Dorraine: I gladly pay extra too. Those discounts aren't that good to warrant the stress. BichyMama is a people watcher. She picks up in a quick glance what it takes me hours to see. I hope your holiday was full of good times!

Jen said...

It's been a while since I sprayed Diet Coke all over my keyboard and monitor. Thank you Bichymama, that was priceless and spot on.

Ronda Laveen said...

Jen: Now it's my turn to spray Diet Coke all over my keyboard. BichyMama does have a good vantage point, yes?

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