Stinky Stats

The following is excerpted from an e-mail that is currently making the rounds:

Are you aware that the Saudis are boycotting American products? In addition, they are gouging us on oil prices. An appealing remedy might be to boycott their GAS. Every time you fill up your car you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just purchase gas from companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis.

The following gas companies import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell..................................... 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco....................... 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil.......................... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway.................. 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco................................... 62,231,000 barrels

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco............................0 barrels
Conoco............................0 barrels
0ASinclair........................0 barrels
BP / Phillips......................0 barrels
Hess..............................0 barrels
ARC0.............................0 barrels
Maverick.........................0 barrels
Flying J..........................0 barrels
Valero............................0 barrels
Murphy Oil USA*................0 barrels
*Sold at Wal-Mart


My sister, Bichy Mama (BM), smelled some stinky gas statistics in this e-mail. Being sleuthy, like her big sister, she had a clandestine meeting with Deep Throated Rock Star (DTRS) to get the real poop on this story. DTRS has long been a mole in the gas biz. He definitely knows the difference between his gas and a hole in the ground.

"Bichy Mama:

This information is about 25% accurate. Valero is the only 100% American company using the most domestic crude oil, but they buy crude on the open market from all sources. Exxon/Mobil is number 8 on the list of companies that own crude oil. Numbers 1-7 are not companies at all they are countries like Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, Russia etc... Wal-mart buys from all sources which, undoubtedly, includes imported oil."

My friends, be careful about getting too caught up in these viral letters written to stir up the pot. I would have re-printed the entire letter but it was quite long. It was written to evoke fear, anger and was also very pro Wal-Mart. This one belongs in the toilet, and I'm going to give it three flushes.

Thanks sleuthy BM and rockin' DTRS. You've done your part to make this world a saner place. Your secret decoder rings are in the mail.

Black Friday at Wal-Mart

Happy Thanksgiving to Y'all! I'm busy with family, festivities, food, fun, and flippin'-thing-to-do-after-flippin'-thing-to-do. I'm sure you are as well. So, today at the Wonderland, we are servin' up a healthy portion of laughs smothered with a frothy topping of whipped, light heartedness. For today only, this is a "No intellectualizing" space.

I am hosting a Guest Post written by my sister, BichyMama. This is an exclusive, Wonderland premier of BichyMama's work. As far as I know, she's never posted, publicly, any of her thoughts and unique perspectives of life. Heck, I can barely get her to answer my e-mails.

If you think she's going to come across anything like me, you are wrong, horribly wrong, and totally and completely devoid of any concept of my baby sis. Today I am thankful, not only for my family, friends and all of you but, for my sister. She is the peanut butter in my chocolate, the dark in my light, the Yin in my Yang. Enjoy!

The following is BichyMama's response to my e-mail asking if she has to work on Thanksgiving:

BLACK FRIDAY AT WAL-MART

I do have Thanksgiving off. Although, I have to work the next day, Black Friday, from 3:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. It's kind of scary if you think of all those loony shoppers that make this day a free-for-all, family outing.

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I can see it now. Mother and daughter, alike, with the same generation-after-generation body type and weight problems. Big (HUGE), SAGGY, NO-BRA-BEARING-BOOBS--flopping and slamming--to and fro--like four, over filled water balloons (but without any elasticity at all) under their new, over sized, Christmas T-Shirts that they got each other for Thanksgiving.

Mom and daughter both know they will keep warm while waiting out in the cold for the store to open. Their two-or-more-sizes-too-small sweat pants will be hugging them both very tightly in all the right places. Just like a bug in a rug! What they don’t realize is their warm, hugging sweat pants will be showing off all of their beautiful Butt-Dimples, Camel-Toes and a crotch that looks like a Woolly Mammoth-Pu**y Monster.

Mom and daughter's shoes are either bootie-type slippers or open-sandal-type-Birkenstock's. They wear the kind of shoes that are easily slipped on, with no bending over, because they get too dizzy while trying to tie their shoe laces. This must be due to Gut-Roll Constriction, GRC--otherwise known as LOO, Lack of Oxygen.

Oh, it's a sight! Watching mother and daughter running...well, fast walking...well, it's more like an animated, slow motion walk...with arms pumping up and down and back and forth. Their mouths are open and gasping for air. Their faces are a bright, cherry red. Their chests heave in and out like marathon runner's after a long distance race.

As they swish by, I hear mom complain to her daughter (still breathing hard and gasping between words), "That BITCH! I can't believe that old bitch beat me to the last electric scooter."

"But mom, cries the daughter, grandma is 90 years old and only has one leg!"

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! That odor! That odor which took my breath away, made me cough and caused a couple of dry heaves. What was it?

Oh s**t! It's a combination of Woolly Mammoth-Pu**y Monster, smelly, sandal feet, sweaty B.O. and, y-u-c-k, BED HEAD!! Plus a few other smells I don’t even care to figure out.

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In the beginning, I thought it would be scary working Black Friday, but now, I am really EXCITED and can't wait! So here I am Wishing all of you…


"Happy Thanksgiving
Welcome To Wal-Mart
And Have A GOOD Day"

Disclaimer: Similarities put forth in this article to any animal, vegetable, mineral or entity on this planet or any other, in this or any other galaxy, or in any universe, known or unknown, is simply a mathematical statistic.--Blog Administrator