Real Relationships

In response to my last post, Girl Talk, in which I asked how you feel about trying to change your mate, my good friend, NB, responded:

"God and "L" (her husband) told me it's my job. He never gets anything done unless I put on the _itch attitude. But I have retired from that job. Somehow it takes my joy away from the day."

I understand what she meant. Part of our job, in a relationship, is to be a helpmate. I guess the question then arises, how do we bring about the best in each other and not the worst?

On the surface, it seems such a simple question. Since all we are doing is trying to bring out our partner's best attributes, they should be grateful, right? What if our well intentioned attempts backfire? What if our joy is diminished at always having to take on the role the fire starter? Do you feel frustrated by always having to be the enforcer? Or the wage earner. Or the bill payer. Or the laundry picker-upper.

And if you are the partner that is always expected to change, how do you feel? Do you feel that your partner is bringing out the best in you? Do you like the constant reminders or do you resent them?

When we focus so much on changing what is wrong with the other person, is it our way of avoiding working on our selves? I don't have the answers here, folks. This is the Wonderland. I only wonder about the answers to more questions. That's why I'm asking for your opinions.

Since NB has officially retired from husband directing, I wonder, if and, how he gets to those things that need to be done left on his own? For myself, I know it is easier to see the Wonder Husband's faults than my own.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm perfect and don't need to change a thing. Maybe I should ask him. But, I'm not sure I want to hear the answer.

Girl Talk

Overheard at the salon:

Pete's 35 and he's never been married. Wonder what's up with him?

Just because he's not married, doesn't make him gay. My husband was 36 when we married.

Isn't it hard when they're older when they get married? I mean...don't they have habits that they don't want to give up?

Yes, it's harder. But shouldn't you want to love the person just the way they are and not try to change them?

(Group Chorus)

OH, GOD, NO! That just doesn't even make sense!

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I admit I've tried to change the Wonder Husband. My success rate is not high. If it were, he would never again wear white crew socks with Birkenstock sandals. Or wear his baseball cap 24/7. Or leave the Boraxo hand cleaner on the counter by the sink every time he works on his cars. Or think that the floor is where you leave your dirty clothes. Or continue on with other habits I want to fix . It's not that I don't' try to change him, it's more like I can't.

He tells me that if he were too perfect, other women would just want to steal him away from me. But, I disagree. If what I overheard at the salon is correct, no matter how perfect the man, there's extensive remodeling to be done. I think men decide what they will and will not allow their mate to change. Which is probably one of the biggest rubs in a relationship.


How do you feel about loving the other person just the way they are and not trying to make them change?

Cougar, the Other "C" Word!

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The word Cougar has been splashed around the media lately. A cougar is an older women who dates a younger man. While older men are lauded and revered--mainly by other men--for dating younger partners, females are often subjected to ridicule for the same. The word cougar invokes the image of a predatory female stalking its prey. Conversely, men, often called silver foxes, are portrayed as wise and handsome rather than cold and predatory. Cougar has a cacophonous, harsh sound to it just like the other word for a strong female that starts with a "C" and rhymes with bunt. This other "C" word has been unacceptable in public speech since the 1500's.

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I am not, nor have ever been, a Cougar but I did drive one for a long time. I loved her. She was very sleek and fast. When I slammed her accelerator to the floor, her four-barrel carburetor would give quick response. When she kicked in, yeah, that cat would run. She ate pavement and spat it out for miles behind her. She was worth every penny I paid over the years for speeding tickets. Miss Cougar always commanded respect, even from the ticket writing officers. They would walk around her admiring her long, low, lean lines, pin stripes, glossy black tires and sequential tail lights. They already new how fast she ran, they'd given her chase for miles. They would tell me of the best girls they had left at home--their Mustang's, Camaro's, and Chevy's. And when I asked them if they drove them fast, they would shake their head no, but a knowing twinkle would spark in their eyes. Yeah, she got respect...like a good Cougar should.


But alas, in a speed-lust frenzy, I decided to sell her for a newer, faster model. I had my eye on a Mitsubishi 3000 GT Twin Turbo VR4. Miss Cougar's rear end had a tendency to chatter and break loose a bit when taking corners at over 90 MPH. The 3000 would just lay down, hug the road tighter, beg for more and I would give it to her. So we looked for a new home for the cat. A young man in his mid-20's fell in love with her. He said he would take care of her. He said he would respect her. He said he would give her a good home. We wanted to believe him.


A few months ago, when my husband came home from work, he was very sad. He told me that while he had been out at the wrecking yard that morning, he had run into an old friend. Worriedly, I asked him what was wrong. He said he'd seen a horrible sight. As he walked to the back of the yard, he passed a twisted, crumpled mass of metal. He thought, what a waste, nothing salvageable in that heaping knot. Then he saw it. A of flash of paint...her paint. Miss Cougar, hardly recognizable and broken beyond repair, had not even one part left worthy of harvest and transplant. She'd rolled to the end of the road, worth nothing but the flat rate paid for scrap iron. We spoke of how we should never have let her go. We lit a candle.


I do not like this word Cougar as a term for females. It is used derogatorily and does not infer respect. From this moment on, I will use the word swan to denote a woman in such a relationship. In my opinion, any woman who undertakes the precarious nature of such a relationship, walks in grace. But this is a cautionary tale. A warning to the swans I so admire. Be careful in your involvement with these young men. They are full of promises, hopes and dreams, and high-energy. But in their passion and over eagerness, they can, all too easily, loose control of a fast, high revving, hot engine. Take heed that your front end doesn't end up mangled and your rear end wrapped around a telephone pole. Take a lesson from Miss Cougar.

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